


your shallow breathing.

by carpe_diem_boys



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, anderperry but sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:35:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28150257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpe_diem_boys/pseuds/carpe_diem_boys
Summary: "i never kissed you, oh how i wish i did!"𝙣𝙚𝙞𝙡 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙭 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣dead poets society.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> i am very emotional about these two. we all know how dps ends and this fanfic won´t end happily. i still hope everyone enjoys this as much as possible.

the cold night was interspersed with soft noises, ingressing trough the open window into the bedroom. he could hear the mufffled voices coming from the room next door, together with the wind blewing through the trees outside and an owl howling with desperate noises.

the rustling leafes and the chilly wind made it only worse for todd to fall asleep.

his body was wrapped in his blanket and he tried to ignore the sounds, but todd was too cold to fall asleep. how could he rest peacefully if being only a shivering mess between his thin woollen sheets. todd stared through the window. there was no star visible in the dark night sky. in fact there was nothing to see at all, the darkness covered everything like a blanket, a blanket that would still leave you freezing under it. todd closed his eyes for a second.

"truth is like a blanket!", he whispered to nobody, but himself. then he snorted. truth is like a blanket, what kind of nonsense was that! todd rubbed his tired eyes. he wasn't a poet, he was just a desperate person! and he should really sleep now. which was kind of impossible to him. his gaze wandered across the room, the desk, the door, his watch showing seven past two a.m. and neil's bed.

neil.

todd wanted to look away from the sleeping boy, but he couldn't. neil captured todd's whole attention and his mind with an inexplicable power, neil would never even understand. and he wouldn't feel the same about him, todd. he would never feel this unresistable attraction todd felt whenever he looked at neil, he would never feel his heart burning due to a single thought of him, neil would never feel the greatest happiness in his soul when todd would laugh the way todd did when he saw neil's joyful eyes and his broad smile on his pretty face. neil would never.

it was okay, todd couldn't blame him.

todd stared at the back of neil's head which was the only thing todd was able to see of him. he heard neil's peaceful breathing and wished neil would breathe for him. it was a stupid thought, but todd liked the way it sounded.

"i'm breathing for you, neil!"

todd smiled towards the other boy knowing he would never hear this words when he was awake.

todd couldn't tell him.

the words became bitter on his tongue and he tried to think of somthing else. breathing for someone seemed to be a ridiculously serious statement. especially because he didn't even know what it was supposed to mean. breathing for him. maybe neil wasn't even the one he should be breathing for. the world was full of people and how could todd be so sure about neil.

neil.

although he only met him a few months ago, todd felt a special bond between them. but he knew neil would never feel something for him.  
todd knew it and he could not blame him for that.

it was okay.

todd felt his eyes becoming heavier with every minute of thinking. slowly, he turned his face to the wall, willing his gaze away from neil. todd wouldn't be able to sleep as long as he was staring at the other boy.

the room was now filled with the ice cold air, which had come in through the window and filled with todd's desperate thoughts, which had escaped his heart and mind.  
todd closed his eyes with pressure, forcing himself to sleep. but the cold was shaking his body, waking every tired inch of him. finally, todd stood up, tiptoeing to the window, his bare feet touching the chill wooden ground. reaching the window he looked at neil again, now able to see a part of his face, peaceful, resting, pure. todd sighed. he felt himself falling. not out of the window, only inside. todd's heart was falling right into neil perry's hands and there was no way he could stop it. if he wanted to do anything against it at all. todd felt himself getting lost in thoughts again.

he reached the window handles and closed it. todd winced at the loud bang he had caused by accident.

"todd?" neil's sleepy voice made todd turn around. "what was that noise?"

todd blushed. hopefully it was to dark for neil to see his bright pink cheeks. his voice came out all flustered and shivery.

neil!

"s-sorry, neil, i was just closing the window. i did n-not mean to wake you up!"

neil chuckled softly. "it's all fine, todd. there's no need to be worried!"

and todd grinned nervously towards neil. he felt so stupid right now. he stuttered like a little child and he couldn't get rid of it.

"good night, todd!"

todd went back into bed and covered himself with his sheets. suddenly he felt nothing but warm.

"good night, neil!", he whispered, so quietly that neil didn't get to hear it from where he was lying. or was he already asleep again?

todd was able to hear his heart besting inside of his chest.it was so loud, todd was sure neil could hear it, too.  
oh, how todd wished neil would catch his falling heart and keep it into his warm hands.  
but still, he was scared of his heart crashing into pieces on the cold floor.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soft bois, sad bois, emotional me.

todd's notebook rested heavily on his lap, the thoughts he wanted to express so badly started to appear on the white paper. the scratching sounds of his pencil was now the only thing he still heard. it was obtrusive and he received the feeling that something was near to him from it. todd's face was tense, his eyes narrowed as he read his words carefully. he hold he breath, making sure no one will notice him, as if he was doing something forbidden in there. the pale sun was shining through the windwow and drew bright circles onto the bedroom floor.

todd held the paper tightly in his nervous fingers, the paper where he had poured his whole heart and mind out to. he turned towards the window, trying to spot the sun, although he was immediatly blinded by its light.

in that moment, sensing the warm sunlight on his cheeks, todd felt so vulnerable. his glance wandered to the paper again, to the poem he tried to write and he gulped. todd strengthened his grip and the paper crumpled slightly.

the paper was full of it as well as his mind. full of him.

"fuck!", todd whispered. how was it even possible to love someone so much. todd hated these feelings. he hated his feelings. his love did not make him feel happy or good in any possible way, it didn't. instead it make him feel afraid and weak. he rubbed his eyes. and tired, so tired. he wasn't able to fall asleep, when the reason for his condition was lying in the bed next to him. every night, todd was scared that neil would hear his heart beating so fast or his low mumbled confessions that he just couldn't stop. todd was so in love and he had never been more scared of it. ever.

no one should ever know how todd felt, no one. he didn't dare to imagine, waht would happen if people would know, know he loved a boy, know he was gay. todd swallowed his thoughts and started tearing the paper into pieces. it was the only thing he could do. hide it. hide his feelings to keep himself save. and keep his heart save from the pain. it would never survive it, todd knew this for sure.

he turned away from the light that started to hurt his eyes and sat down onto his bed again. he covered his face with his cold fingers and took a deep breath. how should he ever overcome his feelings for neil when he wasn't even allowed to let them out? this love would be trapped inside of him forever, todd thought.

he picked up the pencil again and started to write again.

the noise of someone opening the door made him wince. suddendly his head felt empty and crowded at the same time. the boy in front of him entered the room with the brightest smile.  
"brighter then the sunlight. but this doesn't hurt my eyes in any way.", todd thought nervously. neil sat next to him.

"i found it!", he said and todd was confused for a few seconds. the rays of sunshine nade his face glow and for a short moment, neil shone broghter than the sun itself.

"you found what?", he finally answered, looking deep into neil's brown eyes. even inside of them, he could see the sparkling joy of neil's heart. he was so beatiful, todd couldn't help but stare at him. fortunately neil was too excited to notice.

"what i want to do, todd! with my life!", he held a flyer in his hands. "a midsummer nights dream", todd read the words.

"but what...?" neil cut him off with this soft chuckle todd loved to hear and felt something inside of his stomach.

"i want to act, todd! i am gonna be in that play, i'll be an actor!", he shouted, with such a happy facial expression that todd smiled a little.

"you want to act?", he repeated.

"yes, it is my dream, todd, do you understand? my dream!"

todd nodded. yes, he understood very well. a dream, neil had a dream.

"and your father, he is not...", todd felt cruel when he said those words, knowing it will destroy all the happiness neil was feeling right now.

"my father, my father. he won't know! and he can't always stop me. i will do this todd, i will!" todd realized the bitter tone his words had become and he hated himself for making neil feel bad. he didn't want this, he wanted him to be happy. todd knew, if neil was happy then todd would be the happiest boy in the world. but he just ruined everything.

neil stared at todd and todd didn't dare to breath.

"this is my dream and i have to do this, i just have to. you dmay not understand this, todd, but it means just so much to me, okay? i can't have everything i want, but this is my chance and i just have to seize the day now. okay? carpe diem. because sometimes i just can't seize the day."

todd felt neil's eyes in his own and he suddendly had no words left to say. but he had to say something.

"i just, n-neil, i-i am sorry...", he heard himself stutter and stumble over his own words.

"no, todd. it is okay.", neil's face was so close to his own right now. "i just have to seize the day. now.", he whispered and if the world was a different one, todd was a different person, if he was brave enough, he would have seized then day now. and he would've kissed him.

"yeah, i get it, n-neil." todd's voice was shaky and his heart beated so fast, it knocked hard against his chest every few split seconds.

"good.", neil smiled softly again and then he stood up. todd tried to normalize his breath and he stared down onto the ground.

"n-neil, neil, i a-", but neil cut him off again.

"shhh, don't talk about it. look, the sun looks pretty today, doesn't it?" neil had gone to the window and pointed outside.

"no, you look pretty today, you always do.", todd thought and bit his lip in silent desperation. what was he thinking again?

"yeah, sure."

neil turned around and looked him right into his eyes. todd felt his heart warming.

"what were you doing here while i was gone anyways?", neil asked, but before todd could reply, neil grabbed his notebook and began to read todd's written words.

"neil! stop, please! give it back, i- you, don't read that!", todd tried to reach his pages with the horrible poem he had writted on it, but neil was taller. and faster.

"poetry! todd, you are a poet!"

todd felt his cheeks burn.

"neil, give it back, please!"

todd grabbed his notebook and neil let go.

"you are really talented, todd anderson! you should seize the day, too!"

todd smiled a little and was relieved, so relieved that neil was not able to read what he actually wrote, the poem that he had written for him.

"i wish i could seize the day.", todd mumbled and neil chuckeled.

"you can, dummie, just do it. it isn't that hard!"

if he only knew.


End file.
